I'm Not Built For Relationships

10:57 AM

My mother would probably call me "boy crazy" because in middle school and high school "relationships" came and went like revolving doors at a hotel. She had developed a rule when  I started dating that I wasn't allowed to go to my significant others house until we had dated for one month. I rarely made it that long, for whatever reason.

Now that I'm a bit older, and have been plopped in the "real dating world",  I still don't feel like I fit. If you looked up the word "independent" in the dictionary, my pretty little face would be plastered beside the definition. I pride myself on being able to be by myself. I like to do things on my own and I'm the absolute worst at keeping in touch or spending time with friends. It's a blessing and a curse I suppose, because my extreme independence has hindered my ability to build a relationship that can actually function. It's essentially turned me into the "selfish partner" in relationships. I'm not proud of this, but it's worth talking about so people can understand.



My priorities are whack as hell. If you asked me what I consider my #1 priority right now, I would say "school". I love to work on projects, assignments, and anything that will help me be prepared as a future teacher. I like sitting in the library for hours, and I have a constant craving for writing. Absolutely none of these things involve other people, and I'm okay with that. Apparently the rest of the world isn't. I enjoy my introverted personality trait, and I don't plan on living with people anytime soon. Solitude is lovely. Is that really so wrong? Can you be in love with another person and be in love with solitude at the same time? 

I'm really not made for the typical relationship. I don't have the chemical in my brain that makes me want all the frilly, lovey-dovey feelings. I want a partner, but I don't want to spend my days cuddling and spending tons of time together. All I really need is a kiss in the morning and a kiss goodnight. I don't need constant physical time or constant communication. 

But, this frustrates the hell out of me, because it makes me seem cold. I'm not saying I have no heart, or never want to get married. I just don't think I'm built for the typical 20-something relationship. It's not a main priority for me right now. I'm the main priority right now

Usually I end posts with some type of advice. But I have absolutely no advice right now. I can't balance myself and a relationship, and it breaks my heart because I want to so badly. I feel like I'm hurting my significant other because I'm involuntarily selfish. 


How do you find a balance?

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