It's been an exceptionally long time since I've opened up my blog and started working on a draft. These past few months have sent me into some type of depression that I've never experienced. Maybe reality is just hitting me really hard in the face. Whatever is going on with me has prevented me from writing - or even knowing what I've wanted to say. I still don't really know what to say, I think I'm just sitting in limbo waiting for something to sling shot me into the next part of my life. I hate this feeling of being stuck - being angry - being unsure.
I have forgotten why I write, and what my goals are as a writer - and as a teacher. I want to inspire, I want to provoke change, I want to advise. It's all about my connection with others and what I can do to make things more positive. But how do you do that when you cant even stay positive yourself? How do you go out and conquer the world when you don't even feel sane enough to get out of bed in the morning? It's impossible for me to help people, when I cannot even help myself.
Teaching, for example, has sucked the life right out of me. I walk into my classroom ready to take on the day, and by the end of it, I'm ready to crawl into bed and cry. I don't know why I thought I would be changing the face of education as a pre-service teacher. I can barely create lesson plans that accomplish a goal. I wanted to be that teacher that students enjoyed having, and I wanted a classroom full of passion and learning and success. My kids are wonderful, but something is missing.
I have become angry and bitter and alone. I used to enjoy the solitude but I'm not sure that I do anymore. I need to be re motivated. I need to see or feel or have something that reminds me of why I wanted to change lives, and why I wanted to become a powerful, intelligent person. Because I don't feel like that, at all.
My only advice for this post is figure out your goals, and figure out a plan to accomplish. Start today, and if you succeed, let me know how you do it, because I'm struggling more than the rest of you.