Making My Life My Own, Over & Over Again.8:22 PM
In the midst of building a business on my own, I have completely neglected this lifestyle blog. It probably feels like the forgotten older sibling when Mother brings home the new baby sister. .My last post was from JUNE 2016, when I was finishing up teaching. That was right around the time that I decided to (quite literally) abandon all of my belongings and move to Pennsylvania.
Guys..I'm not kidding. I left all of my "not needed" possessions in an apartment in North Carolina and got the F out of there. The owner of that apartment was not happy to say the least. *Shoulder shrug*
Fast forward to now, and I honestly feel like I'm back in June 2016.
No, I don't want to move again (I've moved to two different states in the past year). I just feel like I'm living my life submerged in mediocrity. The last time that I had a home that I was my own (and not anyone else's) was in 2013.
TWENTY - THIRTEEN, people.
It was my studio apartment that I rented right before Jess and I had moved in together.
I feel like my life has become a 9-5 drag, and I'm not really doing things. I am spending my days the same, and my weekends the same.
Something that I really enjoyed about Pennsylvania was the turbulent schedule. One night I might be working until midnight, while another night I might be out having a beer at Yard with Christine and Melissa. I met so many new, interesting people. I reconnected with friends from high school. Sure, I was living on about $600 a month, but I was content.
I feel lonely without my friends here. I miss being able to drive to East Stroudsburg and having dinner outside with Melissa and Lacey, and I miss weekly wing nights with Dani and Tyleia in Cullowhee.
Moving to a new place as an adult is weird. I feel like I'm in this limbo where if you haven't grown up here, or made friends from college here, you're just kind of stuck awkwardly trying to find situations where you can make meaningful friendships. Although, I would like to point out that I've made a few very nice friendships from work and my relationship.
But, building connections through a relationship feels like I'm cheating the system. I've developed second hand friendships. I want to meet people who can become my people.
Feeling stuck about this has bled into other aspects of my life. I feel stagnant in my own personal growth, and I feel like I've put a halt on my goals - mainly because I haven't had the motivation to create any.
I call it a seasonal meltdown. I get groggy and sad for a bit - and I feel like I'm living in a shell where nothing extraordinary is happening (and if anyone tells you that your life cant be extraordinary, they're lying and should be shunned. You're awesome). This is when my anger gets the best of me, and I feel completely and utterly helpless. Like my life is not my own.
Am I the only one who feels like their life isn't even their own?
As I was driving to work this morning, I realized that I had the power to reclaim my life and make things happen here in Colorado. Drastic measures have always been my specialty - I mean I did move across the country, leave a relationship that I thought was "forever", and start a job in a field where I had no formal experience.
When I get down like this, I have to remind myself that if I want to do something or have something, I just have to make the first move.
If I want to make adult friends here, I just have to say hello.
If I want to do something other than watch Netflix every night, I just have to get in my car and go.
If I want my own space, I have to create it (or have a super awesome girlfriend who will help).
My last blog post on here was all about creative goals, and Project Happiness. Who says I have to stop because I missed six months? The answer is no one.
I've always been fiercely independent. Some people love it, and others hate it. The ones who hate it are usually the ones who I feel are suffocating and controlling me. Being in a new place means I'm not being stopped by anything.
And to be fair, I've felt this way before, and I'll probably feel this way again one day. It's okay to feel stuck and unhappy at times, but that doesn't mean you have to stay that way. I will constantly be creating a life that I enjoy, and I'll probably have to reiterate this advice to myself again one day.
This opportunity was given to me to thrive and create a life that I actually want to live. What the heck have I been waiting for?
What are some things that you do to enhance your independent side, and make you feel your happiest?